34 Awesome Funny Quotes

Collection of 34 awesome funny quotes, just have a fun. When you feel sad, read these funny quotes and take it easy.

  1. Women know, they just know. And if they didn’t, they’d still know. Men probably won’t get this, but women will because they know.
  2. If my friends and I went on the show “Silent Library”, we would definitely go home with no money.
  3. Gave this girl my number last week, she said she’ll call me when she gets home. I’m starting to think she’s homeless
  4. i need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
  5. I’m thankful for all the different ways I can eat potatoes.
  6. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  7. Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one.
  8. It’s so funny to watch drunk people “take care” of drunker people.
  9. Being polite is so rare these days that its often confused with flirting.
  10. Stay up late, regret it in the morning, repeat.
  11. I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
  12. My favorite exercise at the gym would probably be judging.
  13. Tired isn’t even a feeling for me anymore. Its becoming a personality trait.
  14. I love buying new things but i hate spending money!
  15. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
  16. That awkward moment when you thought about something really funny and you can’t stop laughing and everyone is looking at you.
  17. “I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”  ― Jarod Kintz,
  18. The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.funny quotes
  19. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
  20. I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.
  21. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
  22. Daylight has a funny effect on me. As for the night, that goes without saying.
  23. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  24. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  25. “My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
  26. That awkward moment when you show someone something really funny & they don’t think it’s funny at all.
  27. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  28. I’m not always sarcastic… sometimes I’m asleep.
  29. I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
  30. I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
  31. I only accept apologies in cash.
  32. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
  33. I take the L and R on my headphones seriously.
  34. Life is short, SMILE while you still have teeth.

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